miercuri, 28 septembrie 2011

letters...

Ok, ok..
I just ran away for a verrry long time...what can I say, I just realised that someone discovered the path to you and came here..I felt like my island was taken by tourists...so I'm really sorry if I left you alone for such a long time, but I wanted to wait till grass and weeds and wild flowers would grow on this path, so it would remain my secret..The good part is that as statistics and other information do not work properly here, I can not know if someone else come here again..:)

Beloved GOD, you know that the first paragraph was only for my blog, I have never stopped talking to YOU..(yes, I know I talk too much, I cry too much, but bear with me please, I still love YOU more than anything ..:)  )

So...what I did...there are so many things in my heart that I do not know where to start to talk about them..You know, like in a super crowded garage where you are supposed to find things...
I experienced so much love and pain and fear and courage and happiness..I was so near death and still more alive than ever..and I lived a perfect day.So I have to thank YOU, and admit that I was a spoiled child when I cried to YOU desperately that it is cruelty to let me live and be so unhappy..ok, it was worthed, I had a day of happiness in my life...and I know that after this I suffered even more, I broke in thousand sharp pieces, my heart was so hurt that every breath was like breathing melted glass and nails...still thank YOU for that day and for that love...
I don't know how to live or love in any other way, I'm still the storm, the tempest, the one who's living everything so completely that I burn-myself and everything around me..still,GOD, Love is what makes and breaks me and everything around me, there is really nothing else...

Remember? (Of course YOU remember,YOU remember everything...)
I was very little, and I heard that story from the Bible about Mary Magdalene-I don't remember where I heard it, it was not in my house, for sure, but I really don't remember..and I know that I went in a remote part of the house, it was dark and cold and I was not supposed to be there, but there was a crucifix..and I just knelt, and with all my heart I start talking to Jesus (at that moment I did not even imagine that people have prayers written by others that are supposed to be said at certain times, but I was really, absolutely sure that He can hear me..:)  ) And I remember very well that I was so impressed that Jesus told that woman  that all her sins are forgiven because she loved that much, that I started repeating again, and again,and again: "Please, help me love so much that all my sins will be forgiven..."
Then I don't remember many things-I know that at 3 I learnt to read, and started reading fairy tales and dream about love...and I know I kept saying "GOD, I want to marry YOU..."

For a time I thought I should become a nun, but something did not feel right about it, and when I was a little older I understood that I was too sensual for this, that it would have been a lie, and I have all my life been sure that hypocrisy is what YOU hate most :)
I started writing to YOU, on pieces of paper I left hidden in books..letter after letter..found some of them recently..and I kept asking YOU this : teach me to love perfectly, may it be that each person I love teaches me more about love, so that I can love more all the others and I can love YOU more..and thinking that in that moment when I can perfectly love someone, I will perfectly love YOU, and that this is the end of the road..

What I'm still not happy about is all this pain, all this suffering that comes with love..You know, there are moments when I gave myself so completely to my love that I became light, perfect light..it is beyond pleasure, beyond human,somewhere where only YOU exists...
and then...
I have no words for all that pain..

Now, tonight, my heart hurts..and I feel pain and love and cry like those children, without caring about anything, with my nose as red as a tomato and my eyes like huge water pumps...and I know I asked for it, and I am sure that in the moment I would learn to love perfectly I would not be hurt anymore...but please, can YOU share with me this burden so I would not break??

Every love story I live is an imperfect way of learning love so that my sins may be forgiven, a lesson of love so that I may love YOU perfectly..and suddenly,I know that there is only one love story, with all its stages..and I kneel again and ask YOU, please, please, please, would YOU be so kind to let me learn how to perfectly love without pain, how can one love through happiness??and if it happens, please, can YOU let me feel this forever??

I found another note thrown between some books..of, course, it was for YOU..I wrote it when the doctor told me that I have an ugly disease that would not only mean dying but also so much pain..it said "Please, GOD, never let me forget about my loving YOU, YOU can do whatever YOU want with me, throw me anywhere you want in life or death,but please,please, please, never let me forget about my love for YOU.."..
I would prefer happiness and heaven, of course (I did not write this then, but I am sure YOU got it :)  )
But more than anything I know I need this love

I really started to believe that if you love even a person completely all your sins are forgiven...I believe that love is more powerful and important than anything and that YOU are, actually, LOVE..

So please, just bless me so I can feel the blessing of love
and, if possible, take away the pain
I hope I don't need it anymore

only the LOVE...
YOU...
and, if possible, my sea..which is love..which is,more than anything...YOU..
....

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