me, tonight

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Fiindca asa sunt eu, prinsa intre doua lumi, arzand intr-o frumusete de dincolo de dincolo..

 

Tonight I miss you so much, I'm the sea and every wave of me just calls your name

Tonight I'm all waiting,missing,loving..

I'm so much you that I cannot be myself anymore, I have no name, no body,no mind-I'm only you, you are my body, my name, my mind

I'd like to be a word you say-to be born as an idea in your mind and see the wonders of your mind from inside, so intimate, like a baby seeing his mother's world before being born..then to let the air coming from your lungs through your throat just give me life so I can go into your mouth and live there,touching every hidden part of it, getting rolled by your tongue, kissing your lips...and when you say me, I'll just be heard by the world outside, but still be yours, your word, my sound will touch the inside of your ears, and your skin will feel me just for a second, before your heart will tell your mind to take me back and you'll inhale, breathing me again in your body, letting me go to your heart, then in your blood, just to disappear there, so happy that I became a part of you!!!

I love you more than any word can say.

Forever

letters...

Ok, ok..
I just ran away for a verrry long time...what can I say, I just realised that someone discovered the path to you and came here..I felt like my island was taken by tourists...so I'm really sorry if I left you alone for such a long time, but I wanted to wait till grass and weeds and wild flowers would grow on this path, so it would remain my secret..The good part is that as statistics and other information do not work properly here, I can not know if someone else come here again..:)

Beloved GOD, you know that the first paragraph was only for my blog, I have never stopped talking to YOU..(yes, I know I talk too much, I cry too much, but bear with me please, I still love YOU more than anything ..:)  )

So...what I did...there are so many things in my heart that I do not know where to start to talk about them..You know, like in a super crowded garage where you are supposed to find things...
I experienced so much love and pain and fear and courage and happiness..I was so near death and still more alive than ever..and I lived a perfect day.So I have to thank YOU, and admit that I was a spoiled child when I cried to YOU desperately that it is cruelty to let me live and be so unhappy..ok, it was worthed, I had a day of happiness in my life...and I know that after this I suffered even more, I broke in thousand sharp pieces, my heart was so hurt that every breath was like breathing melted glass and nails...still thank YOU for that day and for that love...
I don't know how to live or love in any other way, I'm still the storm, the tempest, the one who's living everything so completely that I burn-myself and everything around me..still,GOD, Love is what makes and breaks me and everything around me, there is really nothing else...

Remember? (Of course YOU remember,YOU remember everything...)
I was very little, and I heard that story from the Bible about Mary Magdalene-I don't remember where I heard it, it was not in my house, for sure, but I really don't remember..and I know that I went in a remote part of the house, it was dark and cold and I was not supposed to be there, but there was a crucifix..and I just knelt, and with all my heart I start talking to Jesus (at that moment I did not even imagine that people have prayers written by others that are supposed to be said at certain times, but I was really, absolutely sure that He can hear me..:)  ) And I remember very well that I was so impressed that Jesus told that woman  that all her sins are forgiven because she loved that much, that I started repeating again, and again,and again: "Please, help me love so much that all my sins will be forgiven..."
Then I don't remember many things-I know that at 3 I learnt to read, and started reading fairy tales and dream about love...and I know I kept saying "GOD, I want to marry YOU..."

For a time I thought I should become a nun, but something did not feel right about it, and when I was a little older I understood that I was too sensual for this, that it would have been a lie, and I have all my life been sure that hypocrisy is what YOU hate most :)
I started writing to YOU, on pieces of paper I left hidden in books..letter after letter..found some of them recently..and I kept asking YOU this : teach me to love perfectly, may it be that each person I love teaches me more about love, so that I can love more all the others and I can love YOU more..and thinking that in that moment when I can perfectly love someone, I will perfectly love YOU, and that this is the end of the road..

What I'm still not happy about is all this pain, all this suffering that comes with love..You know, there are moments when I gave myself so completely to my love that I became light, perfect light..it is beyond pleasure, beyond human,somewhere where only YOU exists...
and then...
I have no words for all that pain..

Now, tonight, my heart hurts..and I feel pain and love and cry like those children, without caring about anything, with my nose as red as a tomato and my eyes like huge water pumps...and I know I asked for it, and I am sure that in the moment I would learn to love perfectly I would not be hurt anymore...but please, can YOU share with me this burden so I would not break??

Every love story I live is an imperfect way of learning love so that my sins may be forgiven, a lesson of love so that I may love YOU perfectly..and suddenly,I know that there is only one love story, with all its stages..and I kneel again and ask YOU, please, please, please, would YOU be so kind to let me learn how to perfectly love without pain, how can one love through happiness??and if it happens, please, can YOU let me feel this forever??

I found another note thrown between some books..of, course, it was for YOU..I wrote it when the doctor told me that I have an ugly disease that would not only mean dying but also so much pain..it said "Please, GOD, never let me forget about my loving YOU, YOU can do whatever YOU want with me, throw me anywhere you want in life or death,but please,please, please, never let me forget about my love for YOU.."..
I would prefer happiness and heaven, of course (I did not write this then, but I am sure YOU got it :)  )
But more than anything I know I need this love

I really started to believe that if you love even a person completely all your sins are forgiven...I believe that love is more powerful and important than anything and that YOU are, actually, LOVE..

So please, just bless me so I can feel the blessing of love
and, if possible, take away the pain
I hope I don't need it anymore

only the LOVE...
YOU...
and, if possible, my sea..which is love..which is,more than anything...YOU..
....

Cum m-am ingrozit de ideea ca vine o iarna teribila, cum TE-ai jucat cum mine si m-ai facut sa gasesc un mail vechi, foarte "de iarna". Biiinee, pai atunci sa il adaugam la restul de fragmente de pe aici, poate la un moment dat ne apucam sa facem un mozaic din toate franturile astea colorate..Dar poate totusi nu ma treci printr-o iarna grea...si poate ma mai lasi sa ajung in singurul loc unde traiesc cu adevarat, langa mare...?!


.
"Abia am ajuns in Bucuresti, dupa ce m-am trezit "sinistrata" in Constanta...Orasul tot s-a troienit,s-a imbracat in val alb si fin cu paiete la glezne si mi-a dansat pe ritmul haulitor al vantului...bine inteles, autostrada s-a inchis, drumurile s-au inchis, trenurile nu mergeau, portul s-a inchis, aeroportul s-a inchis....oamenii s-au ascuns cu frica si am ramas singura cu tacerea ascunsa in uruitul vantului...probabil ca o lume intreaga se speria de viscol, numai eu ascultam cu evlavie marea pe vremea asta....Doamne, ce frumoasa si puternica stie sa fie...si cum se aude in fiecare clipa de frematare de val cate o poveste...cred ca daca as fi murit atunci as fi facut-o intr-o minunare, sperand sa pot intelege si cuprinde toate povestile acelea...
Inainte de a pleca am fost din nou pe malul marii si totul era de un cenusiu perfect, undeva dincolo de culoare..nu doar culorile disparusera ci si non-culorile, ma gandeam ca daca as fi facut o poza era tot una daca o faceam alb-negru, sepia sau color...de fapt nici nu existau nici alb nici negru, pana si zborul pasarilor era inghitit intr-un fel de gri pastos...si pentru prima oara in viata nu am mai fugit de gri..fiindca gri-ul acesta nu era cel al depresiei tampe ci al vidului...era poarta prin care-insotit de sunetul ascuns in freamatul valurilor si stiind secretul mirosului sarat si prearece-puteai ajunge dincolo de culoare in lacasul in care era ascunsa esenta tuturor culorilor, matricea oarba pe care ochii nu pot sa o stie, cea care naste tot universul de culoare...
Sigur, sunt prea multe cuvinte care se chinuie sa descrie o tacere...
Vazut din alta parte, totul era un fel de sitcom pentru ingeri, fiindca imi pusesem pe mine toate hainele din geamantan si mergeam cum merge omul cu trei perechi de pantaloni samavolnic inghesuite pe el...parca ii si auzeam cum rad de micile si marile gafe involuntare ale omului care se vrea coplesit de maretia universului din jur dar nu poate face abstractie de gheata care il face sa alunece natang...
Candva, am scris o povestioara pentru tine in care te vedeam mergand printr-un viscol din acesta si iti auzeam, in sunetul din ce in ce mai aspru al rasuflarii amintirile venite rand pe rand sa-si ia la revedere....sigur, nu mai exista, ca si multe alte povesti scrise candva
Trebuie sa fiu atenta ce scriu, data trecuta m-am plans de Bucurestiul prafos si cand m-am intors se preschimbase intr-un haos de zapada si claxoane...undeva, in spatiul virtual,Bucurestiul m-a auzit si mi-a raspuns........"


Ok, asta se intampla acum trei ani, dar uite, fiindca m-ai facut sa o gasesc promit sa iti scriu despre mare asa cum am descoperit-o calda si buna si incredibil de vie in vara asta...see YOU soon

Acum cateva ore mi-a murit matusa, ultima ruda in viata din generatia parintilor mei-cu exceptia mamei, ultima ruda cu care mai aveam un trecut comun. Stii prea bine ca ma rog continuu pentru ea de o vreme, ca TE-am rugat, daca e posibil, sa nu sufere, sa treaca usor si sa ajunga in lumina TA.Sper ca acum nu mai sufera, devine luminoasa si linistita alaturi de toti ai ei. S-a mai inchis o fila de carte.Si totul ramane doar Lumina si Iubirea TA.Roaga-TE TU mai departe, caci doar TU ai cuvintele si tacerile necesare..
Si fie noua dupa voia si IUBIREA TA!

Trista

Ok, Doamne, in seara asta sunt trista...dar stii cum, tristetea aia parte nostalgie, facuta din mii de firisoare colorate, ca intr-un vartej ametitor si in voia caruia trebuie sa te lasi ca sa nu ti se rupa sufletul..Am senzatia ca se face gol in mine in noaptea asta, stii TU, momentele acelea in care te doare sufletul atat de tare incat pana la urma se face lumina in el, fiindca nu mai ramane nimic. Doar TU.
Si iar mi-e dor de TINE mai mult decat pot spune, si iar ma simt sora de suferinta cu Rumi si cu Lalla, cu Sf. Ioan al Crucii si cu Ramakrishna...intr-un fel asta imi da sperante, au mai iubit si altii ca mine, si s-au simtit si ei tristi si pierduti...ti-as da intalnire in fiecare vis al meu-poate nu o sa ma mai trezesc atat de trista...uite, ma ajuti sa fac frumos, frumos de tot la mine in suflet ca sa te pot primi asa cum se cuvine? Stii, cum facea Mary Poppins in film, pur si simplu spunea cuvantul magic si totul se aranja dintr-o data perfect...Spui TU cuvantul TAU magic si apoi vii sa ma vizitezi?
Sunt atat de trista..si te astept...in noaptea asta...si in fiecare clipa a vietii mele...

Happy birthday to me...

Bine, DOAMNE, e ziua mea.
De 37 de ani sunt pe aici in forma asta si incerc sa inteleg ce am de facut...de 37 de ani cea mai mare iubire a mea a ramasa neschimbata, si tot de atata timp ma straduiesc sa fiu mai buna pentru ea..asa, dupa putinta mea..
Ai putea sa imi faci un cadou si sa ma lasi sa simt cum ma tii de mana, cum ma tii in sufletul TAU, cum reversi mereu asupra mea iubirea TA? DOAMNE, am atata nevoie sa simt ca sunt iubita..am vrut sa scriu "macar un pic", dar adevarul e ca vreau sa ma simt iubita mult, nestavilit de mult si pentru totdeauna...
Si mai vreau ceva, tot de 37 de ani-sau de cand ma stiu eu pe lume-sa pot sa ii vad pe cei din jur fericiti..era sa scriu o prostie, sa spun ca vreau sa-i fac pe cei din jur fericiti, adevarul e ca doar TU poti sa-i faci fericiti..dar poti sa o faci un pic si prin mine?!..Mi-e dor sa fiu parte din fericirea cuiva..
Tu stii tot ce imi doresc si mai stii si ce ar trebui sa imi doresc ca sa fie totul bine...asa ca, te rog, DOAMNE, roaga-te TU pentru mine si raspunde acestei rugaciuni dupa mare mila si iubirea TA..Si faca-se in si prin mine Voia si Iubirea TA...
Stii TU tot restul din inima mea..
Asa ca La multi ani! si TIE-fiindca fiecare zi e a TA, si ingerilor care sunt pe langa mine de atata timp...si sa nu va suparati ca sunt cateodata tare trista, vreau sa invat sa fiu mai inteleapta si mai iubitoare si mai fericita...
La multi ani,TIE,cea mai mare iubire a mea...